A Lesson In Being Ill and Dying

Last Saturday night we lost a beautiful soul, my mother-in-law Alice.  Although the last time we truly spoke was at  Christmas due to both of us being  ill and our last Christmas together on earth was not  one either of us could reflect on with cherished and fond memories. My heart is at peace being able to say sorry to you before you slipped into unconsciousness and you telling me you were sorry too.

Our Christmas was over before it even started that day, you being unable to understand my condition  combined with your denial within yourself and hiding from all of us that you had cancer.   After a few days of sitting here and being able to reflect while the rest of your family takes care of matters it reminds me once again and one last life lesson from you to let the little things go mend fences long before times runs out, even if that person doesn't want to speak to you keep trying to mend that broken fence until they come around, this lesson is for everyone I know.  

Families at the best of times can be complex and hard to deal with.  People think that because they are family that somehow it gives them the right to treat them differently than they would say a friend, a co-worker even people they just met. 

Speaking for myself even Chris's  siblings are upset with me as I write this (in their minds I had no right to ask my friends and family to pray when she was 1st taken to the hospital, hence why I had to take that post down).  Nor am I  100% sure that over time we will be able to mend that broken fence. I can be sure that they will be madder still if they read this that I have over stepped my boundaries once again. But that's okay I was never one to follow the crowd and have always spoken with a logical mind and with my heart filled with the best intentions.  Watching what is taking place within the family dynamics  makes this an important lesson and one I hope Alice as you watch down on us will understand why it is important enough for me to write and others to read. 

For some reason as humans  we think we will always have time, that for some reason the hourglass will never empty. None of us think we will die (as crazy as that sounds) and maybe I have a completely different outlook having come very close to dying when I was in my mid 30's, seeing too the chaos when my sister passed at a young age and still having young children involved,  and now again watching the chaos surrounding your passing.

Speaking for myself my wake-up call came early in life and I started to get my affairs in order and everyone who reads this needs to do the same.  You need to have a plan in place and let someone, anyone if you do or do not have a spouse or children know what your desires are so that if and when that unfortunate time comes someone knows and can speak on your behalf.

Every adult with or without children you should have in place:

A living will here is a great article from the Mayo Clinic as to why this is so important  and only fair to those that are suddenly having to make split second decisions regarding what they think are the best or right decisions based on knowing you as a person...first fight once the family arrived was the decisions made by my husband and his aunts before his other siblings could get here, they did not understand that there was no time to wait doctors needed direction ASAP:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/consumer-health/in-depth/living-wills/art-20046303

You need to have a will in place for when you pass and let someone know where that is regardless of whether that person is your named executor or not.  If you do not have a will in place  there are many articles to be found on the web about how to go about this.  Because the laws vary from place to place be sure you are up to date based on where you live.  And review your will every few years in case there are changes.  If you do not have a will in place it becomes harder for the family to take over and deal with the issues at hand,  they need to apply to the courts before they are able to proceed and take over your affairs. Many people do not understand the process that happens when this is not in place. 

You need to give someone you can trust all your passwords.  In this world of technology we live in, we have become online junkies but don't think about this when we are ill, dying or have passed away.  A friend of mine Danielle passed away four years ago from cancer and at the time she lived in BC.  I did not think about something as simple as her Face Book account being still active until I received a message saying "today is Danielle's birthday send her a message," it broke my heart that day.  I contacted Face Book but  because I did not know her password and I had no legal right to ask them to take her page down it is still alive as if she was today. It was sad to un-friend her as she was a huge part in my younger days but that was the only way I would not receive a notice each year from a robot.  And unfortunately she had no family left to take it down, nor did she leave direction with anyone...which also made me wonder what else did she have accounts online for that should have been closed.  There are so many online places to have accounts today and I know again speaking for myself my husband knows and so will my named executor(s) so these can be shut down when the time comes, as I do not want anything open online once I am gone.

Do you have a burial plot, and have told someone?  I know this may sound morbid to some of you but pre-plan this.  I have my plot picked out and paid for; again to not leave heartache to those left behind, nor do they need to guess what Chris and I want.  Dealing with the death of someone is hard emotionally and depending on the family can cause bitter fighting within.  Take care of it while you can,  why leave it in the hands of those left behind, emotions are high, fighting starts,  everyone may have a different idea of where or what should be done.  And I hate to say it but it's a huge expense no one needs during their time of grief and adds stress to an already stressful event in life. Especially if no plan is in place.

I am not writing this for malicious reasons or to cause harm to any one, I have watched this happen too many times now and want  everyone that I love and cherish  to think long and hard even if you do not have close family, choose someone close to you, someone has to take care of you, should you be unable to speak for yourself and in the event of your passing.  Many years ago someone I know who had fallen out with their family and had not spoken to them for years finally decided it was time to make amends, after much research they found their only remaining  sibling was buried in a pauper's grave, they did not even know that their family member had passed away, little lone that they were buried in a pauper's grave.  That too is why I am giving this advice.

As for our current situation I know the families anger at Chris and I stepping away to you seems selfish but we are and were fighting not only my own medical battles but were in your absence on behalf of your mom for a long time now. We knew even if she felt like she was fooling herself and us of how sick she was. We needed time to grieve just as you did before you flew in and we too will be the ones left once you all go back to your homes in the coming days.  Your mom's battle is over and peace is within her. 

As for my husband's siblings at this time I wish each of you peace, love and remembrance of good times, once the dust has settled and you have time to reflect after our remembrance in honouring mom yesterday. 

In loving memory Alice and as your laughter still rings within my ears from me to you one of your favorite songs 

Those Were The Days